I watched the weekend services with amazement. All the statistical data on God's size and power. Yet often I catch myself trying to find him without success. I get swallowed up by my problems and lose focus on God. Perhaps others can do it more easily than I. We have been so blessed with 2 children. Our second child, Luke, has been going through stuff lately than really has me saying "God, where are you in this?"
We found out Luke has a mile to moderate hearing loss. We are fitting him this week for hearing aids. So he will have them before he turns 6 months old. My pride says I don't want kids to make fun of him. I think about all the sports I planned on playing with him. It' goes through my mind that he will need to have great hearing to do certain sports, so you can communicate on the field. Of course he has to because that's the way I did it. Then, the moments go to thinking will hear my voice say "I love you son""? God, where are you in this one?
Then we find out his cranium may be fusing together too quickly. We have a CT scan scheduled for May 23rd to see what the result are. The worst case scenario he would need to
have surgical repair to allow for the brain to grow. We pray that is not necessary. Again, looking to find God in this. God you are so Big but I can't find you in this. We look at all the medical bills not covered and realize 'we' can't afford it on what we make. That's when God shows up in my heart and says 'I got it all covered'. But the faith journey is hard. So, we wait. And, we wait.
In the meantime we think about our finances and try to figure out how to make it. We found out that by selling our farm and business to get into ministry full time, now we face major capital gain tax hit. We have some money set aside. The accounting firm says it will take 4 times the amount we have saved to pay the government. God, I don't understand. We did what you asked. We gave up the big 6-digit salary, we sold our beautiful home in Portland, we sold our farm and business... now we are in full time ministry do your work. Yes, I know it's all about you. But I also know you want to honor the desires of our heart. We gave it all up, I thought. Maybe we didn't. So Big and I can't find him in the middle of it all.
We pray regularly. We have others who pray for us. Where I use to spend my every moment trying to figure out how to make another dollar for me or someone else, now I spend it thinking about where the next lost soul is for eternity. I try to find people I can lead to Christ, invite to church or just show love like Jesus. Then when I am all alone the reality of how big God is and that I can't find him in my own problems really hits me. I know he has my back, I just know it. I am not willing to give up on that belief. It is a non-negotiable.
God is Bigger than all my problems and babble. I will be stronger, have more endurance and build character. (James 1 2:4)
George
